Why I Couldn’t Quit Writing

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be enough.

Sometimes I wonder if my words will ever make a difference.

Sometimes I feel like I’m walking the wrong way in the middle of a crowd.

Sometimes I wonder, did I misunderstand God’s purpose for my life?

These are all thoughts that go through my head at times… more often then I care to admit. Sometimes I feel like I should be strong and remain encouraging. I mean, that is a large part of what this blog is about, isn’t it? But sometimes I get tired of that facade.

The truth is, I have doubts. I have doubts all the time. When it comes to my writing, I’m my own worst enemy. I can handle feedback, I can handle critique, I can even handle negative opinions better than I can handle myself at times. And sometimes that inner person that remains locked up inside me tells me that I should just quit… and sometimes I wonder that myself.

Writing is hard. It’s not always fun. Sometimes it’s the last thing I want to do and yet I do it anyways. But sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to give it up altogether.

This is me almost every day of my life. And if you travel back a few years back, you’d find these thoughts running through my thoughts stronger than ever before. So strong, in fact, that I did give up. I quit. I decided that I was never going to write again. Why? Because I was done. I was tired of this constant string of doubt coursing through me every time I sat down to write.

I gave into those lies and threw in the towel.

For weeks, even months, I didn’t touch a single pen. My dozens of notebooks gathered dust on their shelf. And our family’s laptop was available a lot more often.

I thought that was it. I thought I was done. I seriously thought I would never write another story again. But when that life became a reality… I felt a hole inside of me that hadn’t been there before.

Depression sank in and I was a mess of confusing emotions. I’d decided that I wasn’t going to write anymore and I’m never one to go back on a decision once it’s been firmly made. So what was I to do?

Looking back, I was most likely going through burn out. I’ll never know for sure, but it was rough. All I know, is that when I officially made that decision to never write again, all I felt was empty. So empty. So… raw.

Like a wound in my heart was wide open and festering. It ached. The pain was real.

I don’t remember what made me give in, probably the incessant pain that I could no longer take. But eventually, I picked up writing again. (As I’m sure many of you guessed, it’s not like I have a blog for writing for something XD) I’ve never looked back since.

Those doubts have never went away and I don’t think they ever will. But through that awful time, I learned that giving up is never the answer to a problem. It only creates another, sometimes more painful problem. In my case, it’s easier to deal with the doubts than it is to imagine what it felt like when I thought I was never going to write again.

This post isn’t easy for me to write. It’s not my first choice to be so vulnerable and open like this. But, once again, I have been experiencing severe doubts lately and I needed to write this post. Not for any of you, but for me. To remind myself that I can never give up on my writing. Maybe I need a break, but I will always keep going.

Because I love storytelling. I love how I can make others smile or laugh or cry or just feel through a story well told. That might just be the best feeling in the entire world right there.

Maybe I’m preaching to the choir here. Or maybe one or two of you are nodding your head but secretly think I’ve officially went insane. I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one who ever feels this.

But still, I feel this needs to be said. It needs to be acknowledged. If not for any of you, then for me. And that’s enough.

Your turn!

Do you ever feel suffocated by self-doubts? Have you ever been tempted to quit writing? How do you find encouragement to keep going?

Blessings, Allyson

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